Missing the smile

 Today was a very gloomy day. Last night, I got home very late and as I was putting my daughter to sleep, I dozed off right with her. And when I awoke this morning, I was terribly stressed, frantic and nervous — I did not have my alarm set to wake up, her backpack and lunch was not ready, my meds were still waiting for me…it was total chaos! I desperately rushed to get her ready and do what I needed to before dropping her off to school. There was something just not right about today that I felt very emotional and an imperfect mother. As I watched my daughter walk to her classroom, she looked back at me several times as if she hadn’t had enough of me, enough of my smile and reassurance. Smiling was extremely challenging to do today considering the emotional trauma I have experienced in the last week. I sobbed uncontrollably as I saw her go and just could not collect myself.

So I thought about some memories of my life that have brought a smile to my face…

I miss the smile I had when I had my daughter on my birthday. Knowing that she was not due to arrive until a month later, I had no idea she would be here on my special day as the best gift in the world to me.

I miss the smile I had when I skipped school to just hang out with my best friend. We would sit by the lake and chat for hours about our feelings, boys and where we wanted to end up in our life.

I miss the smile I had when one of my friend’s said when I moved away that if nothing else, he will miss seeing my smiling face.

I miss the smile I had when my baby sister whom I absolutely adore gave me a very reassuring hug and said that at the end, everything will be okay.

I just really miss the smile that makes me happy when I see my reflection. I’m hoping to achieve some serenity today to bring that smile back to my face.


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