My Beautiful Life

Yesterday, I sat in utter disbelief — dazed and very sad as my friend’s 34-year old brother was laid to rest. Although he was not someone I knew very closely, he was still someone whom I saw mature along with me and my friends. My heart hurts beyond measure for my friend and her family — for the parents who are saddened to have outlived their son, for the young wife who has been in a complete state of shock of losing her soul mate and for the sister who lost her one and only sibling.

During the funeral service, I pondered deeply about all the relationships I have in my life — one of a sister and what it would be like if I lost my brother or sister, one of a wife and what it would be like if I lost my husband, one of a mother and what it would be like if I lost my child whom I bore for nine months. While I mulled over this, tears quietly slipped down my cheeks. I realized then that my loved ones and my relationships with them are vital to my being and that my life wouldn’t be the same without them.

Losing someone to death is one of the most difficult things to cope with no matter how young or old the deceased may be and no matter how long you knew the person. When I lost my grandfather very unexpectedly two weeks before my high school graduation, I was devastated and my sorrows were immense. I found it very tough to walk on my graduation day because I knew how much my grandfather wanted to see his oldest grandchild succeed in this endeavor. Even 15 years after his death, I still mourn while wishing to visit him more often at his grave and wonder what it would be like to have him around, for him to know what I have accomplished, for him to see all the roles I now play in my life.

I really do live a beautiful life but most of the time, I don’t acknowledge it nearly enough. I gripe and whine profusely at times. I find myself wishing that my life would be different and that some people around me would change. What I don’t often remember is that the people in my life, the personal relationships that I have cultivated are my reason for being, my true essence. These are the gifts that I have been bestowed. It is through such tragic events that I’m reminded to make a much more conscious effort to appreciate the life that God has given me because at any given moment it could end.

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A New Beginning

Perfection is my enemy. For as long as I have been living, I’ve been on a quest for perfection, trying to be the most perfect wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend and so on. And for the last few years, I’ve been in pursuit of the perfect time for a new beginning, to start a new chapter in my Life Book. Sometimes I let the precious moments escape my life while I wait and plan for the right time, that perfect moment.

Agitated. Apprehensive. Frightened. Tearful. Excited. Overjoyed. A whole slew of mixed emotions came over me during the last couple weeks as I impatiently awaited an unplanned life-altering answer. I anxiously contemplated the extent to which my personal, family and work life would be transformed by this one answer. I just was not sure if I was completely ready for this sort of roller-coaster experience. On Friday night, I hit my absolute emotional low while I lay in my bed sobbing in deep introspection over the new chapter that I so yearned for but was not granted, at least not for now. My soul became very disheartened as I detested playing the waiting game all this time, only to receive the answer that I did not seek. Questions swirled around my mind in an attempt to understand why I even embraced the idea of a new beginning in my life. Why was I so afraid of facing this change at the outset? And finally when I became willing to accept the much-anticipated metamorphosis of my life, why did it not materialize?

Then it suddenly hit me. The Higher Power was not ready for me to start the new chapter in my Life Book just yet. He knows when it is and when it will be the right time for me. And it will be in that moment that my spirit will know I’m ready for a new beginning. Perhaps the past two weeks of deliberating my wants and unwants was God’s way of getting me prepared for the right time. Perhaps I was destined to experience the few recent mystical signs that have unveiled my true desire and the significance of this new beginning. The divine signs that have brought me inner peace are gentle reminders that God will deliver His best when it is best. I was simply not ready in my heart until today. 

So I will continue to play the waiting game yet again…peacefully and patiently this time with high hopes that I will soon journey into a beautiful new chapter of my Life Book.

My Brother, My Angel

Many years ago, I took great pleasure in writing poetry to express my deepest desires and emotions about people who were very dear to me. Today, on this special day — my big brother’s birthday — I have once again renewed my desire to write poetry. I firmly believe that God brought my big brother into my life as my angel when I was struggling and in dire need of “the wisdom to know the difference”. My brother has been the most sincere and thoughtful friend for which a little sister can ask. He explains life to me like no one else has ever done before. I pray that may he have the bestest of the best happiness in the many, many more years to come. Here is a poem for my big brother who is truly a special blessing, one that I hope will always remain with me. 
 
My Brother, My Angel
 
My dear and precious brother,
You’re so much more than words can say.
You mean still more and more to me
With each and every passing day.
 
You are my hero, my angel,
My savior and much more,
My God-sent blessing
That I very much adore.
 
It was you who believed in me
When I had lost all hope.
During my troubled and turbulent times,
It was you who helped me cope.
 
I feel so very fortunate
That I have you to talk to and laugh with.
You are a true friend, my confidant
Whom I trust and can find comfort with.
 
I can always count on you for support,
You know just when I need you the most.
You are one whom I will forever
Keep in my heart very, very close.
 
Though I haven’t known you for very long
As you aren’t my brother by nature of birth.
I could not have chosen a better brother,
You really are the best one on earth.
 
If God gave me a real brother, then I may not have found you.
With you, I can sense a very serene connection.
Some of your greatest virtues that I admire
Are the rare qualities of caring and compassion.
 
My life would surely be bare
Without your extraordinary presence.
My dear and precious brother,
YOU are the light that truly makes a difference.

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